Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

All of you who know me, know that I am a planner, a doer, someone who checks off all the boxes.  Well, I've checked off quite a few of my life lists in my 26 short years here.  Played all high school sports, went to college, got my doctorate, married a great man, started a great job, got a dog...etc. ect.  My life seemed to be pretty put together and my boxes were all checking off nicely.  Next box we thought we were ready for was building our family.  Many of our friends were either new parents or parents-to-be and we thought timing was right if we wanted to start trying.  So check off another box.  Very quickly into trying we were pregnant!  YAYY - God is good!

Then January 20, 2016 happened.  The day we lost our baby. Our 8 week 5 day old baby. The one we saw the heartbeat of two weeks earlier. The one we were going to tell all of our closest friends and family about the next day.  The one we hadn't exactly planned for but were so extremely excited about.  I will forever remember the day I started spotting and called my doctors office bawling.  The next week when I called about my HCG levels, which were reading in the 4-5 week range but should have been in the 7-8 week range.  The day we went to get the sono and saw the heartbeat and they told us the HCG numbers are a huge range and that everything was fine, that our baby was just measuring a little less far along, but that nothing was abnormal.  The freedom of knowing that since we saw the heartbeat that we had a less than 7% chance of losing the baby now.  The night it happened and the next day as Ben held my hand in the waiting room.  As the doctor came in and confirmed what I already knew, she confirmed we were within that lucky 7%.  I was broken.  I was sad.  I was MAD.  Most of all I didn't understand.  I felt so completely alone.  I had many people who wanted to be there for me and help me, but I didn't even know what I needed.  I was numb.  I went through all the phases over and over again.  I felt like people were pushing me to be okay, to just move on already and when I couldn't, I felt even worse.  Alone.  No one understood exactly what I was feeling and I was angry about it, with them, with myself.  I was also angry that no one talked about miscarriage.  When I found out it happens to 1 in 5 women, I was shocked!! No one talks about it.  I understand that it's a very personal experience, but I've come to find that had I not been able to talk about it I think I would have gone completely crazy - not just Amanda crazy.

A sweet friend got me this necklace and those words couldn't be more perfect.

I grew up Christian.  I went to church and youth group, but I never really dug into my faith until the last couple of years.  I feel like I have grown quite a bit, but also feel like I keep getting knocked down harder than I ever had been before.  After this happened I  asked many questions.  Why, God?  What did we do to deserve this?  What could I have done to prevent this?  What is your plan for us?  These are all pretty selfish questions.  Looking back I still don't understand, but I know now that I am not entitled to understand the plans He has for our life. 

A few weekends ago I went to a Hope Spoken conference with a few friends.  What an incredible and God-filled weekend.  The ladies I went with were some of the ones who had prayed over me in the early stages of my pregnancy, the ones who were there when I started spotting and really started freaking out, and the ones who showed up the day after it happened with pizza and movies.  The ones who had/still are loved/loving me through our loss.  We spent that weekend hearing stories of awful heartbreaks that these women had endured, endure with MUCH more grace than I had/have.  The theme for the weekend was "But GOD" and those two words are so powerful to me now.  All these heartaches and tragedies these ladies experienced, but God was still good.  That was something I needed to hear.  I'm going to be 100% honest.  I was ANGRY with God.  Why would he let us lose this baby?  Why wouldn't He just tell me His plan?  Yes, I know how selfish and self-righteous that sounds.  Something I had heard from a friend, but brushed off was reinforced that weekend as well.  God didn't do this to me/us.  God doesn't break us down just to show how mighty he is that he can put us all back together.  God didn't bring the sadness into this world, we did.  But through the sadness, God is still good and He is always there.  I'm still working through this, but my heart is finally healing.  I picked up my Bible after a month of not being able to.  I also listened to a lot of my XM channel The Message.  One day driving to work a few songs came on and I just bawled.  The first was "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns and the other was "Tell Your Heart To Beat Again" by Danny Gokey.  Thanks God, I needed those reminders.  I clung to those two songs for a few weeks, well God presented them to me every chance he got.  I started taking pictures to prove that EVERY TIME I got in my car one of these two songs was playing. Every. Time.  I am now finally to the point where I don't bawl hearing them, but smile and think, But God is Good.  I'm not going to lie and say I am completely healed, completely over the anger and hurt, but I'm making steps and finally realized that I may never be completely over it.  A sweet friend always reminds me it's okay to be in the valley of hurt and anger, it's just important not to stay there.  I'm glad to say I'm finally crawling out of it. 

I didn't share my story to get sympathy, I am sharing it because I was so incredibly inspired by the stories (much worse than mine) at Hope Spoken.  It's nice to know you're not alone.  There are people out there who have been there and also been through much worse.  If my story can help just one person feel less alone, then it was completely worth it to me.  I have a wonderful life.  We have been blessed in so many ways, little bumps in the road will only make us stronger.  I have to thank my support system.  My husband has been wonderful, patient, "gentle Ben" (as my grandpa calls him) and he continues to stand by me through all my crazy.  My family and friends have listened to me (more than they should have to), reassured me, and given me some honest talk when I needed it.  Thank you all.

"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again"

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

These were going to be our announcements "New rider in the family coming August '16"

So glad we have these pictures to remember.  Thanks, friend for capturing memories for us.

Baby C - we can't wait to meet you some day.  Until then we know you are in a great place filled with our creator and people we have loved and lost.  We may not have gotten the chance to carry you in our arms, but we will carry you in our hearts forever.