Building Our Home - Weeks 17 & 18

So, life has been CRAZY and I just relized I haven't posted weeks 17 OR 18 yet!  Lots happening out in the country the last few weeks!

Week 17

Week 17 brought mostly changes to the exterior and lots and LOTS of wiring throughout the house.  The "guts" of the house are coming along quite nicely.

I just absolutely love this view

Stone!

Mom and Dad came down and put together Katie and I's tables!  Can't wait to actually use it.

Week 18

Exterior!!  Almost half of the stone and about three-fourths of the siding is up now.  I'm LOVING the prefinished siding on the front with the stone.

I mean how gorgeous is this stuff?

 

We also now have all of our interior doors!!  I think the electricians and all the other men working inside the house were very appreciative of this step being completed!

Dining windows, patio doors and living room windows...my favorite view again

Basement

So this picture doesn't do this 8' door justice..its beautiful!  Dally approves too!

Patio door from master

Later Nights and Earlier Mornings

I love daylight savings time.  I love that when I get off work I actually have some daylight to do things and it doesn't feel like I should just go home and go to bed.  I love getting to spend some time with Ben outside.  I love getting to take Dally for walks when it's warm and light.  I love that it means harvest and summer busyiness is just around the corner.  I don't necessarily like the work schedule change my husband has to have, but I'm sure that neither does he.  No one likes working 12-14 hour days, but this year I am making a promise to be out there more.  Even if that means dinner on tractors and Dally and I taking our evening walk through a field of half cut wheat.  I love this life (I do complain about it sometimes though too) and if being present and together means sitting in that uncomforable buddy seat, I am going to do it.

For now I am going to enjoy evening drives and walks down country roads with two people that make my heart pretty darn happy.

Songs of Life

I have been praying recently for God to show Himself to me more through my every day life.  He has answered those prayers in a way that I wasn't expecting - through song.  Almost every day of the week I have had a new song stuck in my head that I find myself humming or singing all day long.  For about a week I didn't think anything of it, until a coworker told me I seemed happier and that she really enjoyed the songs I had been playing in my office lately.  Well long story short, thanks God!  I love feeling closer to Him and it really lifts my mood.

Just a few of my recent favorites - really liking Francesca Battistelli:

Write Your Story by Francesca Battistelli

They say

You're the King of everything

The One who taught the wind to sing

The Source of the rhythm my heart keeps beating

They say

You can give the blind their sight

And You can bring the dead to life

You can be the hope my soul's been seekin'

I wanna tell You now that I believe it

I wanna tell You now that I believe it

I do, that You can make me new, oh

I'm an empty page

I'm an open book

Write Your story on my heart

Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope

Maker of the stars

Let me be Your work of art

Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story

Come on and write Your story, write Your story

Won't You write Your story on my heart

My Life

I know it's never really been mine

So do with it whatever You like

I don't know what Your plan is

But I know it's good, yeah

I wanna tell You now that I believe in

I wanna tell You now that I believe in

In You, so do what You do, oh

I'm an empty page

I'm an open book

Write Your story on my heart

Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope

Maker of the stars

Let me be Your work of art

Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story

Come on and write Your story, write Your story

Won't You write Your story on my heart

I want my history

To be Your legacy

Go ahead and show this world

What You've done in me

And when the music fades

I want my life to say

I let You write your story, write Your story

Write Your story, write Your story

I'm an empty page

I'm an open book

Write Your story on my heart

Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope

Maker of the stars

Let me be Your work of art

Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story

Come on and write Your story, write Your story

Won't You write Your story on my heart

Choose to Love - Francesca Battistelli

I locked up my heart and I put on a show

I let the busyness of life be a wall so nobody gets close

Well I got a lot done, yeah, I'm so type A

But I'm finding arm's length is a safe but lonely place

So I'm gonna choose to reach out

Choose to lay down

All of the fear that I've been hiding

Choose to be brave

Though my heart's afraid

To be a part of Your Kingdom rising, oh

God, I'm done running from

The reason that You sent Your Son

So I will choose to love

Well it's always a risk and it's always a dare

But it's a far more dangerous thing to listen to fear

But it's a beautiful thing to know and be known

Yeah, there's a whole lot of life outside of my comfort zone

So I'm gonna choose to reach out

Choose to lay down

All of the fear that I've been hiding

Choose to be brave

Though my heart's afraid

To be a part of Your Kingdom rising, oh

God, I'm done running from

The reason that You sent Your Son

So I will choose to love

I'll choose to trust

Oh God, let my heart be tender in a world so tough

I'm gonna choose to love

I'm gonna choose to reach out

Choose to lay down

All of the fear that I've been hiding

Choose to be brave

Though my heart's afraid

To be a part of Your Kingdom rising, oh

God, I'm done running from

The reason that You sent Your Son

So I'm gonna choose to love

Maybe I'll hurt, maybe I'll bruise

Maybe I'll cry, maybe I'll lose

Still I will choose to love

x

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

All of you who know me, know that I am a planner, a doer, someone who checks off all the boxes.  Well, I've checked off quite a few of my life lists in my 26 short years here.  Played all high school sports, went to college, got my doctorate, married a great man, started a great job, got a dog...etc. ect.  My life seemed to be pretty put together and my boxes were all checking off nicely.  Next box we thought we were ready for was building our family.  Many of our friends were either new parents or parents-to-be and we thought timing was right if we wanted to start trying.  So check off another box.  Very quickly into trying we were pregnant!  YAYY - God is good!

Then January 20, 2016 happened.  The day we lost our baby. Our 8 week 5 day old baby. The one we saw the heartbeat of two weeks earlier. The one we were going to tell all of our closest friends and family about the next day.  The one we hadn't exactly planned for but were so extremely excited about.  I will forever remember the day I started spotting and called my doctors office bawling.  The next week when I called about my HCG levels, which were reading in the 4-5 week range but should have been in the 7-8 week range.  The day we went to get the sono and saw the heartbeat and they told us the HCG numbers are a huge range and that everything was fine, that our baby was just measuring a little less far along, but that nothing was abnormal.  The freedom of knowing that since we saw the heartbeat that we had a less than 7% chance of losing the baby now.  The night it happened and the next day as Ben held my hand in the waiting room.  As the doctor came in and confirmed what I already knew, she confirmed we were within that lucky 7%.  I was broken.  I was sad.  I was MAD.  Most of all I didn't understand.  I felt so completely alone.  I had many people who wanted to be there for me and help me, but I didn't even know what I needed.  I was numb.  I went through all the phases over and over again.  I felt like people were pushing me to be okay, to just move on already and when I couldn't, I felt even worse.  Alone.  No one understood exactly what I was feeling and I was angry about it, with them, with myself.  I was also angry that no one talked about miscarriage.  When I found out it happens to 1 in 5 women, I was shocked!! No one talks about it.  I understand that it's a very personal experience, but I've come to find that had I not been able to talk about it I think I would have gone completely crazy - not just Amanda crazy.

A sweet friend got me this necklace and those words couldn't be more perfect.

I grew up Christian.  I went to church and youth group, but I never really dug into my faith until the last couple of years.  I feel like I have grown quite a bit, but also feel like I keep getting knocked down harder than I ever had been before.  After this happened I  asked many questions.  Why, God?  What did we do to deserve this?  What could I have done to prevent this?  What is your plan for us?  These are all pretty selfish questions.  Looking back I still don't understand, but I know now that I am not entitled to understand the plans He has for our life. 

A few weekends ago I went to a Hope Spoken conference with a few friends.  What an incredible and God-filled weekend.  The ladies I went with were some of the ones who had prayed over me in the early stages of my pregnancy, the ones who were there when I started spotting and really started freaking out, and the ones who showed up the day after it happened with pizza and movies.  The ones who had/still are loved/loving me through our loss.  We spent that weekend hearing stories of awful heartbreaks that these women had endured, endure with MUCH more grace than I had/have.  The theme for the weekend was "But GOD" and those two words are so powerful to me now.  All these heartaches and tragedies these ladies experienced, but God was still good.  That was something I needed to hear.  I'm going to be 100% honest.  I was ANGRY with God.  Why would he let us lose this baby?  Why wouldn't He just tell me His plan?  Yes, I know how selfish and self-righteous that sounds.  Something I had heard from a friend, but brushed off was reinforced that weekend as well.  God didn't do this to me/us.  God doesn't break us down just to show how mighty he is that he can put us all back together.  God didn't bring the sadness into this world, we did.  But through the sadness, God is still good and He is always there.  I'm still working through this, but my heart is finally healing.  I picked up my Bible after a month of not being able to.  I also listened to a lot of my XM channel The Message.  One day driving to work a few songs came on and I just bawled.  The first was "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns and the other was "Tell Your Heart To Beat Again" by Danny Gokey.  Thanks God, I needed those reminders.  I clung to those two songs for a few weeks, well God presented them to me every chance he got.  I started taking pictures to prove that EVERY TIME I got in my car one of these two songs was playing. Every. Time.  I am now finally to the point where I don't bawl hearing them, but smile and think, But God is Good.  I'm not going to lie and say I am completely healed, completely over the anger and hurt, but I'm making steps and finally realized that I may never be completely over it.  A sweet friend always reminds me it's okay to be in the valley of hurt and anger, it's just important not to stay there.  I'm glad to say I'm finally crawling out of it. 

I didn't share my story to get sympathy, I am sharing it because I was so incredibly inspired by the stories (much worse than mine) at Hope Spoken.  It's nice to know you're not alone.  There are people out there who have been there and also been through much worse.  If my story can help just one person feel less alone, then it was completely worth it to me.  I have a wonderful life.  We have been blessed in so many ways, little bumps in the road will only make us stronger.  I have to thank my support system.  My husband has been wonderful, patient, "gentle Ben" (as my grandpa calls him) and he continues to stand by me through all my crazy.  My family and friends have listened to me (more than they should have to), reassured me, and given me some honest talk when I needed it.  Thank you all.

"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again"

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

These were going to be our announcements "New rider in the family coming August '16"

So glad we have these pictures to remember.  Thanks, friend for capturing memories for us.

Baby C - we can't wait to meet you some day.  Until then we know you are in a great place filled with our creator and people we have loved and lost.  We may not have gotten the chance to carry you in our arms, but we will carry you in our hearts forever.

Building Our Home - Week 16

Week 16 was electrical work and finalizing all of our flooring, countertops, cabinets, backsplash, etc.

Sorry for the blurry picture - should have gone out earlier in the day!

 

 

 

Preview: our bathroom!!

Everything we picked out in a picture!  So excited.

I am getting so incredibly excited to get into this house.  In 4-5 short months we will be in our forever home!! 

This view makes my heart so happy.  Yesterday I went to check out some stuff out there.  I looked out and saw Ben and Dals behind the house putting mineral out for the cattle.  I just stood and watched.  Watched the cattle run toward the pickup.  Watched my husband pour the mineral out for them as our crazy dog ran circles around him.  Yes, I fully understand that this sounds crazy to most people, but this made my little heart just explode.  Never thought I would love this life so much, thanks God for having bigger, better plans for me.  Thankful for moments like this one to remind me how awesome it all is.

 

 

Remember the gorgeous farmhouse table the my dad (mom & sister too) built me?  Yep, got to bring that beauty home this weekend too! 

 

 

Sawyer approved too!

Building Our Home - Week 15

Not much happened during week 15. We were at somewhat of a standstill because we were waiting on this or that or in between workers. Should be some big changes this week, weather permitting - fingers crossed!